The crazy football

Day 2 of the cleanse starts out well. I love apples, bananas and grapes, so it feels like quite a treat at first. And then I get home from work.

As I step into the door, the fabulous aroma of garlic bread and spaghetti washes over me. My calm demeanor vanishes.


Jon looks at me nervously. “It’s just a frozen meal,” he assures me.

(You know I’ve gone crazy when a 97-cent processed Banquet meal smells like a slice of heaven.)

I make a large effort to calm myself down. And then I burst into tears.

“I just can’t DO this! I’m so BAD at this! Even if I ever manage to get skinny, I won’t be PRETTY skinny! I’ll look even more like a….like a….” *Dissolves into sobs*

Jon, who looks like he’s afraid he’s about to step into a minefield asks, “Like what?”

“Like a FOOTBALL! A hungry, starving, FOOTBALL!”

Jon makes a valiant effort to stifle his laughter and asks what on earth I am talking about. And so, I show him this picture (a failed attempt to take my own LinkedIn photo, in which my more-pronounced-than-ever Leno chin resembles one end of a football and my forehead forms the other.

Jon cracks up and assures me that I do not look like a football. The tears keep rolling. He tries again, “Well, at least you are a beautiful football!”

Sobs mix with slightly manic laughter. The rational part of my brain–what little of it is left–realizes I’m being 110% crazy. The other part is so tired and calorie-deprived, it can’t catch up with reality.

Now that I have calmed down and consumed a bit more food, I can say with clarity that I don’t look like a football.

I look like an Easter egg–and I’m fine with that. It’s a big improvement over a beach ball.

In an effort to hold on to my brain cells, I’m holed out upstairs, which has not yet been permated by the sweet scent of garlic. I’m also counting down the hours to weigh-in: 40, in case you were wondering. 40 hours, 23 minutes. I can do this. I just need to stay away from food and stay near a toilet; this cleanse is called the Fruit Flush and let’s just say the name is accurate.


About Kristen K

My life has always been pretty darn fantastic--except for one thing: my weight. Not too long ago, I tipped the scale at 283 pounds. I'd gain some, lose some and gain some right back, and I was so frustrated. When I saw a notice for a Biggest Loser-style contest in my local paper, I applied on the spot and I felt like I won the lottery when I found out I was one of the five contestants chosen. We worked out four times a week with trainers and followed a clean eating diet, and my life completely transformed. I've lost more than 60 pounds and I'm feeling confidence for the first time in my life. I'm 29 years old with a great husband, a rewarding job, two adorable dogs and fantastic friends. Weight loss continues to be a struggle now that the contest has ended, but this time I know that I can do it and I'm fully committed. This blog has seved as an accountability tool as I journey from a happy, but fat, person to a happy and confident person. And for the first time in my life, I'm no longer putting it off until tomorrow. This time, I'm starting this minute.
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3 Responses to The crazy football

  1. Jennifer says:

    Would you be willing to share the details of this cleanse?

  2. kristikess says:

    Day 1: Protein shakes every two hours (5 total). Three cups of salad with 2 TBSP olive oil and lemon juice. 4 oz fish or chicken.

    Days 2 and 3: One serving of fruit every two hours (5 total). Same salad/toppings as above; no meat.

    My day 3 was modified to 3 fruits and 4 oz chicken. Pound water the first two days; sip the third.

  3. dr.girlfriend says:

    You have a beautiful heart-shaped face! Now stop talking trash about yourself. 😀

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