I am a bit of a worrier. I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile, but my friend Rachel’s blog reminded me of the topic–and made me glad I’m not alone.
I worry about how much I worry. I worry that my job will someday discover I’m terrible at what I do and fire me (despite the fact that I’ve only had good reviews and have been promoted a few times). I worry that I won’t be able to have kids. I worry that I WILL be able to have kids, but I’ll be a terrible parent. I worry that we’ll have kids and not be able to afford them. I worry that we’ll never be able to afford them in the first place. You get the idea.
This tendency to worry is on the unhealthy side. I find myself imaginging absolute worst case scenarios for situations to see if I’d be able to survive them. It’s really not a good thing.
I think this worry has contributed quite a bit to my weight issues. I worry that the weight loss will never happen. Now that I HAVE lost quite a bit of weight, I worry that it won’t stick. Then I worry that if it DOES stick, I won’t be able to hide behind my weight. In other words, say I applied for a job now. If I didn’t get it, I could blame my weight and say the hiring manager judged fat applicants. If I applied for a job thin and didn’t get it, it would mean something was wrong with my personality or my answers (not really: it would likely just mean there were a zillion candidates and I wasn’t the best one, but that is where my mind goes). Thinking this much is exhausting.
Long story short, I’m tired of worrying. Exercise seems to keep it at bay, so that and journaling are my plans for keeping it in check. Running and writing clear my head like nothing else, leaving only peace in their wake. So why don’t I do either of those things more often?
When I stop and think rationally, I recognize that there is no place for worrying. Many of these things are in my control. If I want to lose weight and choose to work hard to accomplish that goal, I WILL lose weight, plain and simple. If something terrible is going to happen, absolutely none of my worries will do one thing to fix it. So why waste that precious time?
I resolve here and now to just sit back and take a few deep breaths each day. Recognize the beauty in my surroundings. Count my blessings. And work out until I’m tired and exhausted, but also TRIUMPHANT. There is nothing like the feeling of pride after an awesome workout and the feeling that you can do anything.
I need a little more of that in my life, and I am willing to work for it.