I’ve always sworn that my overweight-ness was a food issue, plain and simple. I. love. food. No. I LOVE food.
But I picked up Women, Food and God anyway, and not 30 pages in, I find this:
The great thing about being Sisyphus (the guy in Hell who keeps pushing a boulder up a hill, only to have it fall back again) is that you have your work cut out for you. You always have something to do. As long as you are striving and pushing and trying hard to do something that can never be done, you know who you are: someone with a weight problem who is working hard to be thin. You don’t have to feel lost or helpless because you always have a goal.”
I have always been scared to go after my dreams (Should I submit an article to be published? Get an MBA? Have kids?) and I feel like my weight loss journey gives me something to work on and work toward so I don’t have to focus on the scarier goals. it’s also just who I AM. The girl who is trying to lose weight. And I’ve been able to blame things on it for so long–my shyness, my lack of social skills with people I don’t know, etc. Without that weight loss goal, I’d have to figure out who I really am, examine my long-term goals and stop blaming weight for my personal flaws. And that is scary.
I think it’s time to find a NEW goal so I can start to identify myself in other ways.
1. Volunteer. I need to put my time where my mouth is. I have a lot of passions and a lot of desire to help, and it’s time to act on them. Things on my list to investigate: the food pantry and Big Brother/Big Sister. I also dream of starting my OWN nonprofit–a Big Brother/Big Sister-esque organization that partners teens and adults with senior citizens in need of companionship. I’ll start small for now, though!
2. Write. It’s what I love–it’s as much a part of me as my weight loss struggles. My goal will be to keep an eye out for all sorts of writing opportunities–bettering this blog, starting a new one with a friend (more to come in 2012!) and guest posting for others. Once I’ve got that under control, I’ll start looking for writing opportunities in my field. I always convince myself that everyone else knows so much more than I do–but when I read THEIR articles, I find that I’m familiar with most of the concepts. It’s time to take pride in myself and acknowledge that I DO know something and I CAN add value–and then DO IT.
3. This one is possibly weight loss-related, so I hate to include it, but I will anyway. I WILL run my fastest 5K in April and a 10K in the fall. And then I will set my sights on training for a half marathon. Because once I accomplish a 13.1, I am no longer a fat girl. I am the woman who believed in herself and who accomplished the impossible. Only nothing is really impossible, is it?